I want fan gao

Thought upon thought and the next minute you know your head is overloaded with thoughts. What still has to be done, what is going to happen and whether you will get everything done in time. I can't help but feel that by putting every new thought into my brain, another falls out. Not only that, taking on responsibility has a different feel. What are we going to eat, where are we going, what are we going to do now and how are we going to do it? The same questions applied at a different time would be of substantially less importance. That's when you realise shit, I am an adult; things matter.

On a lighter note, bought my first suit today, all ready for work on Monday. Made me think, even though money is merely material, imagine if you didn't have to worry about qeen at all. You had so much qeen that purchasing goods was never an issue. And in the shops, you would never have to go through my most frequent motion:
Leng: Oh so nice
Ka: Yeh, but mo qeen.
in every single shop.

4 more days of freedom until I have to endure 3 full months of intensive labor. I find comfort in the fact that 5 days of every week I get to SUIT UP!

Changing Things Up

So bored with life lately. Might try getting into the goth phase. Suggestions, anyone? If not goth, I think maybe skater.

I'll have my cake and eat it too

Lately I have been filled with discouragement and feelings of failure from those around me. Despite trying my best to please others and do my best for God, I feel like I am failing at what I am attempting to achieve. It feels as if nothing that I can do can please them and nothing that I will ever do will satisfy their need to criticize what I do. I'm finding it difficult to listen to the Spirit of God if all I hear around me are negative thoughts; but it is there, amongst all the chaos. If you listen, you will hear it. Ignore what everyone else says and keep your heart strong and set your eyes on the Lord and His Spirit will be with you.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you."

- Deuteronomy 31:6

Set your heart right and you shouldn't fear for the Lord will be behind you. Be as Joshua and Caleb were to the Israellites and stand firm in the Lord. Do not be afraid, to the extent of death for the Lord will be backing you and that's all you need and you will receive the promise that God will give to you. You will be rewarded in heaven for your faithfulness and obedience to his word.
At the same time, there is no need to lash out at others for their criticism and attacks, set your heart right for God; he is only looking at your heart and will judge them accordingly. Nothing you can do can change their attitudes and thoughts unless they decide to change it themselves.

It's difficult, but I need to remind myself that I can follow in God's way and be content within my soul that God is pleased with my service and that my heart is in the right place. I will have my cake and eat it too.

In your lifetime you meet so many people who hurt you and you remember it forever. More often than none you are forced to interact with them all the time and you just have to suck it up and keep on going. But in your heart you are still holding on to the past, still resenting them, even if it were only a harmless mistake or error in judgment. We have no authority on judging others, but still choose to do so in the quietness of our hearts.
But sometimes it just hits you; we really don't have any authority on it. We have no right to be "nyang" to others, because we really have no right to.

nyang - n. an abstract definition describing one's frustrating attitude due to their stubborn and/or unrepentant nature.

- dictionary of Tron

A wise robot told me that it doesn't matter what has happened in the past with you and it doesn't matter what has happened in the past with anyone else, there is no reason to be nyang with anyone, because in the end it doesn't matter.
I have decided, that he is completely right. Letting everything go and deciding to live as God intended.

But once in your lifetime you meet some people who you just trust because you just can. Nothing that they do can rub you up the wrong way. You just respect them for who they are and the values that they hold. A person that is truly a child of God and you can see it without having to search for it. You don't even need to spend time with them to build up enough courage to tell them them anything and everything if you wanted to. There's something about them, they've been given a gift from God. For me that person is you Chloe Au :)
See I told you I would write for you; I'll always be cheering for you.

Some humor for the chef

Me to mum: "I don't have any hazelnut meal, can I use almond meal instead?"
Marcus: "Why don't you just use oatmeal?"
Me & Mum: Laughing.

'If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own son, but gave him up for us all - how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died- more than that, who was raised to life - is is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered." No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, not any powers, neither height nor depth, not anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.'

Romans 8:31-39

It does matter, but at the same time it doesn't. Being scared as hell but knowing at the same time the God of the heavens and the earth has His hand upon you. We cannot hold our faith in the things of the earth or we will rot ourselves to the core. But instead look to God, where our hope is found. He will shelter us from the storm and he will protect us from our innermost fears. He knows they are there and he is there with them. All I can pray is that he will protect me now; that he will keep me safe from all harm. Because without him there is fear.

Just in our nature

It's just in our nature to care about those who we love. Whether we be related or not, we will go above and beyond to protect them. But it is important to remain objective when it comes to conflict and problems that happen in life. I choose to believe that even staying impartial and putting myself in their shoes and the shoes of the other, that I am on the right side of the fence. I've been thinking and I have come to a very obvious but I suppose real conclusion, conflict arises when people only have their own interest at heart. Maybe I've just been doing way too much management revision, but conflict begins when people are only thinking of themselves and I am seeing this not only in management but in the relationships between others around me. Whether people be right or wrong, they are still thinking about themselves. But at the same time, I think there is a point where people just can't think about themselves and have to think about their actions and the consequences that their actions have. And more than that if the mistakes you are making are repeats of history, it's definitely time to stop and think about what you are doing.

Okay enough ranting about the thoughts in my head, exams are finally over and I'm sick. Hooray! Time to spend more time doing the things I love with the people I love. Hence I am sitting in Ruth's bed listening to the sounds of Typing Maniac. I don't think I will ever be able to play that game and enjoy it, it is just way to stressful. I just watch in admiration of people play, especially Marcus. I would post a picture of his game face, but yeah he just might kill me.
Ooh speaking of Ruth, WHALE!
Anyway as holidays now here, it is time for some well needed and deserved rest, cooking with Tran, sewing and more work. Despite the fact that scholarship payments are 3 months away, I need to learn the value of money. Need to work more, and save up enough money; have to learn to save better.

Just because it gives Leng the jeebies :)

Happy Birthday Ma :)